


I love you so much I forgot what hating myself feels like

by bwabum



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Bokuaka - Freeform, Depression, Fluff, Insecurity, M/M, Mental Health Issues, Self-Hatred, Short & Sweet
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-26
Updated: 2020-06-26
Packaged: 2021-03-04 05:48:01
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,098
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24928669
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/bwabum/pseuds/bwabum
Summary: “You can’t love someone without loving yourself first.” That’s what someone once said to me.
Relationships: Akaashi Keiji/Bokuto Koutarou
Kudos: 39





	I love you so much I forgot what hating myself feels like

“You can’t love someone without loving yourself first.” That’s what someone once said to me. Perhaps a few years ago. Perhaps in a book, or a magazine. Doesn’t matter. 

Bullshit. 

I have never loved myself. Everyday I look in the mirror and think, what if I just die right here right now? Would someone even bother noticing? The world will just go on like it did before, people rising and getting ready for job or school underneath the same bright sun in the same blue sky. I would be glad if even anybody would buy me for two bucks. At least that shows I’m even worthy of something. Anything. 

School. Club. Home. Parents. Friends. Everything was so complicated. Putting on a mask and pretending I’m fine. Locking away the feelings of pain and depression. Always ready. Always perfect. 

At night though, those thoughts overwhelm me, taking over me like a demon whispering in my ear. The reflection of myself doesn’t even look like me anymore. I don’t recognize the person in the mirror. The black curls of hair, the heavy bags under murky blue eyes, the pressed lips and lonely silhouette. 

Who was this? 

Rubbing my temple, I tried to release some of the tension caught up in my head. Fidgeting with my hands until they bled. Not that it worked though. Tossing and turning, nightmares haunting me through day and night. Drugging myself to unconscious every night was a daily routine. The pills don’t even work now. 

Tests. Ranks. Expectations. Grades. They weighed me down like stone bricks, chained me down to the ground. I wanted so much to just get free from this, to just run away from the responsibilities and staring eyes. Too bad I was just too much of a coward. Too scared to even end my own life. How pathetic. 

Everyday was just the same robotic routine. I would get up in my bed. Lie there, wondering why bother. I would haul myself up, and get ready for school. Mother would be already dressed up and leaving for work. Father is always nowhere to be seen. Eating breakfast alone, the news on the television reporting about daily things, bland things. The white walls seem to be crowding in on me, crushing me. I try not to seem bothered by these hallucinations. It would just make them worry. 

Going to school. All these classmates greeting me with fake smiles and falses words. Teachers lecturing about how my scores have gotten lower recently. People coming over begging for favors. Who am I to say no? Too soft hearted, some would say. I would just say it’s weak of me. 

After school, it was club practice. Volleyball. Just running a few laps, tossing a few sets, playing a few games. Once, I thought it was the only place I could be with someone that understood me. But I was wrong. 

They just didn’t see it the way I did, and I don’t blame them for that. Some people are just...different, I guess. My teammates didn’t feel the same passion for volleyball as I did. I worked hard. They didn’t.

Volleyball was a team sport. No matter how hard you trained alone, it would never work if the rest of the team didn’t give it their best. 

It was like this. For a long time. For a very, very, long time. 

Then I met him. The star of my life. 

I have never loved anyone. I have never loved myself. But you, Bokuto san, you. You’re different. 

You came into my life like a shooting star, blinding, dazzling, mesmerizing. I was hooked into those golden eyes, that charming smile, the boisterous laugh. I was afraid of getting caught in someone else’s life, I was afraid to love. Trying to look away, to block you out, you came back. You didn’t hesitate to talk to me, even after seeing me for who I truly was. The laughter in your voice when you talked, the genuine expression on your face, everything about you was just, more than I could ever hope for. 

The way you call my name, the way you look into my eyes, the way you spike my sets. They were all, more than I could ever hope for. 

Could I ever have the chance to love you? 

It was unfair, how Bokuto made me hopelessly fall in love with him. He occupied my thoughts and filled my dreams. 

Just thinking about him, brings a smile to my lips. A smile from the depth of my heart.

Just seeing him, makes me feel fuzzy and warm all day long. A weird sensation, strange yet, soothing  
.  
When I was with him, I felt like, we could accomplish anything, afraid of nothing. We are the protagonists of the world. 

I no longer cried myself to sleep at night. The muffled sobs weren’t a regular anymore. The pill bottles were still full after one week. 

I still can not recognize myself in the mirror. The reflection look too content. Joy bloomed out of it, sea blue eyes bright and sparkling. It didn’t matter if no one else cared for me, all that did was, he was here. With me. He made me forget about all the insecurities and pressure I ever had. It was as if time was still, and it was just him and me.

The figure of him spiking, those powerful muscles, the jersey rippling in the blast of wind, the curve of his body, those are all beautiful to me. But the most satisfying thing was, seeing him at the utter most best. It didn’t bother me to be in the shadows that he casted amongst the court. Because he deserved it. I was content with watching him shine. 

I long for the smell of his shirt after he took a bath. I long for the comfort of his large hands intwindled in mine after a long day. I long for the odor of his black and silver locks after the we ran home in the rain. I long for his voice, whispering in my ear. I love him. His everything. 

He was the one that brought meaning to my life. He was the one that painted my world colorful. Perhaps this time, I have finally found something to call dear to me. 

I never thought one day, I could be this happy. Am I even allowed to be this blessed? 

Oh, god, I love you so much I forgot what hating myself felt like. 

Meeting you, Bokuto san, was the luckiest thing in the world.

**Author's Note:**

> Got the inspiration from a post I saw on reddit. Akaashi your poor bb I’m sorry I did this to you ahhhhh. Bokuaka is just *chefs kiss*. Hope you like it!


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